When a loved one comes out, reactions vary, from “Now that I know, what can I do to support my child?” to “How will I ever handle this?” For some people, it’s a combination of these two reactions…and more. There is no doubt that people have different and potentially complex responses and feelings to a loved one coming out...and this is absolutely normal. Here, then, are some tips from PFLAG on how to support your child or loved one, while making sure that you also get the support you need.
People often continue to learn about themselves and their sexuality throughout their lives. For some, though, acknowledging and coming to terms with their sexual orientation or gender identity can happen at a young age. It is important to support and accept an individual wherever they are in this process.
There may be an intersectionality involved between sexual orientation and gender identity as well. Follow their lead without rushing them into labels, and accept however and whenever they choose to express their sexual orientation or gender identity, which may continue to change. Remember, sorting through these feelings can be complex and is different for each person.
Remember that you’re not alone. According to the Williams Institute, there are more than eight million self-identified LGB people in the U.S., and approximately 1.4 million people who identify as transgender. Other research shows that eight in ten people in the U.S. personally know someone who is LGB, and one in three people know someone who is transgender. In other words, although it may not appear so, there are LGBTQ people everywhere, and there are supportive families and allies everywhere, too. You are not alone in this process.
Remember that your feelings are valid. There is no one way to react to learning that your child or a loved one is LGBTQ. Some feel happy that their child opened up to them, relief that they know more about their child and can support them, or joy that their child is confident in their self-awareness. Others may have more difficult or complex emotions, such as fear, guilt, sadness, or even anger. These are all normal feelings…and you may experience some or all of them simultaneously.
Remember that this is a journey. While you want to express your love for your child as quickly as you can (see the "Lead with Love" tip at the top!), remember that you are in a process; addressing your reaction and moving forward will take time. It is okay to be okay immediately, or okay not to be okay overnight. Take the time you need to explore these feelings.
Remember that you’re important. Self-care is crucial, which means that even as you are learning how best to support your child or loved one, you must also find support for YOU. Whether you feel isolated or nervous—or interested and excited to connect with other families—it’s important not only to find and talk to people who have gone through what you’re going through, but to have information and resources at your fingertips right when you need them. Visit a PFLAG support group meeting the third Monday of every month from 7-9 at 989 San Ramon Blvd. to talk with other parents who have been through this and learn about helpful resources.