If you’re the family of an LGBTQ+ individual

Get support for yourself. Find the phone number of the nearest PFLAG chapter.

Take your time. Acceptance may not come instantly but be honest about your feelings in an appropriate place.

When a loved one comes out, reactions vary, from “Now that I know, what can I do to support my child?” to “How will I ever handle this?” For some people, it’s a combination of these two reactions…and more. There is no doubt that people have different and potentially complex responses and feelings to a loved one coming out...and this is absolutely normal. Here, then, are some tips from PFLAG on how to support your child or loved one, while making sure that you also get the support you need.

  • Lead with love. For some, this will be the natural response. For others, long-held beliefs may get in the way of being able to respond positively and supportively. As best as you can, however, remember this: No matter how easy or difficult learning about your child’s sexual orientation or gender identity is for you, it probably was difficult for them to come out to you. And, while saying “I love you” is one obvious way to express your love for your child, if you find yourself at a loss for words, as many of us do sometimes, a hug can speak volumes.

  • Listen with intention. Give your child ample opportunity to open up and share their thoughts and feelings. Whether they want to talk about their hopes for the future, or a situation that happened in school or at work that day, the prospect for open discussion is endless. If you have a sense that your loved one might want to talk, but isn’t doing so on their own, a gentle open-ended question, such as, “How did things go at school/work/church” today, can open the door to dialogue.

  • Show subtle support. If overt support is a stretch at first, remember that subtle support can also make a difference. Whether it’s speaking positively about an LGBTQ person you know, or a character from a movie or television show; reflecting out loud about gender or sexualiy issues surfacing in the news; or openly reading and sharing new learning about gender or sexual diversity, these small hints let kids know that you are supportive and understanding.

  • Learn the terms. What is sexual orientation? What does it mean to be “bisexual”? Learning the language is a great way to start having important and sometimes challenging conversations. Of course, like every other human on the planet, you will likely make a few mistakes along the way--and that’s okay! Own it, apologize, move on, and work to do better next time.

 

  • A note about labels…

    People often continue to learn about themselves and their sexuality throughout their lives. For some, though, acknowledging and coming to terms with their sexual orientation or gender identity can happen at a young age. It is important to support and accept individuals wherever they are in this process.

    There may be intersectionality involved between sexual orientation and gender identity as well. Follow their lead without rushing them into labels, and accept however and whenever they choose to express their sexual orientation or gender identity, which may continue to change. Remember, sorting through these feelings can be complex and is different for each person.

  • Remember that you’re not alone. According to the Williams Institute, there are more than eight million self-identified LGB people in the U.S. and approximately 1.4 million people who identify as transgender. Other research shows that eight in ten people in the U.S. personally know someone who is LGBTQ+, and one in three people know someone who is transgender. In other words, although it may not appear so, there are LGBTQ+ people everywhere, and there are supportive families and allies everywhere, too. You are not alone in this process.

    Remember that your feelings are valid. There is no one way to react to learning that your child or a loved one is LGBTQ+. Some feel happy that their child opened up to them, relief that they know more about their child and can support them, or joy that their child is confident in their self-awareness. Others may have more difficult or complex emotions, such as fear, guilt, sadness, or even anger. These are all normal feelings…and you may experience some or all of them simultaneously.

    Remember that this is a journey. While you want to express your love for your child as quickly as possible and remember that you are in a process; addressing your reaction and moving forward will take time. It is okay to be okay immediately, or okay not to be okay overnight. Take the time you need to explore these feelings.

    Remember that you’re important. Self-care is crucial, which means that even as you are learning how best to support your child or loved one, you must also find support for YOU. Whether you feel isolated or nervous—or interested and excited to connect with other families—it’s important not only to find and talk to people who have gone through what you’re going through but to have information and resources at your fingertips right when you need them. Visit a PFLAG support group meeting on the third Monday of every month from 7-9 pm at 989 San Ramon Blvd. to talk with other parents who have been through this and learn about helpful resources.

  • Before the visit…

    • Practice in advance if you will be discussing your loved ones’ sexual orientation or gender identity with family and friends. If you are comfortable talking about it, your family and friends will probably be more comfortable.

    • If your loved one is transgender or gender-expansive, practice using the correct pronouns.

    During the visit…

    • Treat an LGBTQ+ person like you would treat anyone else in your family.

    • Don’t ask your LGBTQ+ family member to act a certain way. Let them be themselves.

    • If your LGBTQ+ family member brings a partner, include them in your family traditions.

    • If you are uncertain about how to address an LGBTQ+ family member, respectfully ask in private.

    After the visit...

    • If things went well with your LGBTQ+ loved one, follow up with them post-holiday to check in, see if they have any questions, and tell them how glad you were that they could be with you authentically.

    • If things did not go as well as you had anticipated, be sure to contact your local PFLAG chapter and give yourself a moment to connect with those who will understand the challenges and support you as you work toward reconnecting with your LGBTQ+ loved ones.

    • Do not let too much time go by before contacting your LGBTQ+ loved one, and let them know that you are committed to trying again.